I...still don't know what I was on when I decided to write this. Please do not take any of this seriously. At all.
France hummed a tune as he walked into the living room stark naked, without even his magical censoring rose, and opened a bottle of fine wine. It wasn’t often that he got some peace and quiet all on his own to relax, after all.
Unfortunately, the peace and quiet was immediately shattered by a truck driving straight through the wall.
“SACRE BLEU!” he shrieked as he quickly summoned his censoring rose. It wouldn’t do to frighten whoever was driving. Even if they had just driven into his living room.
It was a large truck, with tires that were clearly built for icy roads or snow. The body was pale grey, almost white, and the body was a brown-beige. A familiar scarf was tied onto the hood ornament.
“…Russia?”
The horn honked loudly. “DA!” a much-deeper version of Russia’s voice boomed.
“…why are you a truck?”
“I AM A RAPETRUCK, DA!”
Funny, thought France, he’d always thought that adding “yes” to the ends of sentences like that made them questions. Maybe it was just a Russian thing.
“A…ah, ‘rapetruck’, did you say?”
“DA!”
France raised an eyebrow. The man – er, truck – couldn’t just say “yes” in a common tongue, could he? “Mm, I see! So, who are you raping?”
“I AM GOING TO AMERICA, DA!”
The other eyebrow rose. “America? But why America?”
“BECAUSE HE IS A SILLY CAPITALIST PIG, DA!”
“But you are no longer a communist.”
“NYET!” (Really, France thought, if he was going to insert random Russian, he might as well just speak Russian! He could understand Russian.) “BUT AMERICA IS STILL A SILLY CAPITALIST PIG, DA!”
France shook his head. “Well…if you must,” he sighed. “Might I come with you? I’ve not had the chance to visit America in some time.”
“OF COURSE, DA! MY BALTICS ARE ALREADY WITH ME! HOP ON, DA!” The trailer door burst open of its own accord. France tried very hard not to think about what the equivalent of this might be in human anatomy as he climbed in.
OMG! OMGOMGOMG!! Dear god, WHY?!?! Why did I suddenly have this thought of Raeptruck!Russia = Optimus Prime?!?! Its like, any second Truck!Russia could transform into a Giant Robot!Russia, and and and... gah!!!! Ahlal;dkjfklfkldkljflkadjfl *brain broken*
“NYET!” (Really, France thought, if he was going to insert random Russian, he might as well just speak Russian! He could understand Russian.) <--Now I really want to see France speaking Russian. haha, in general all of France's commentary was just too good. haha, his opinions regarding Russia's speaking habits are definitely similar to mine when I see it in other fics which makes it even more <3
Ha ha ha, I have no idea. Thank you for the lovely comments! I'm glad you're enjoying this complete nonsense, and I hope it doesn't reveal too much about my character.
Enlgnad decided that he was most likely drunk. Well, no, that couldn’t be right! It was only (here, he had to glance at the grandfather clock, the face of which had separated completely from the body. The hands were still pointing to the right places at any rate) two in the afternoon! He couldn’t possibly be this sloshed yet. Perhaps the fae had slipped hallucinogens in his tea again. Still, he thought as he eyed the scarfed hood ornament, it was certainly one of his more creative hallucinations.
“Hello, Russia,” he greeted calmly. “And might I ask why you are a truck?”
“I AM A RAPETRUCK, AND I AM GOING TO AMERICA, DA!”
England nodded. After all, hallucinogenically it made perfect sense. “Sounds lovely. Could you back out of my living room if you don’t mind? I’m having tea.”
“WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME WITH ME, DA!”
Hmm. It seemed that trucks didn’t have the ability to inflect questions as questions. Or maybe it was just a Russian thing.
“…why are you saying ‘yes’ at the end of every sentence?”
Russia looked confused. Well, as much as a truck could look confused. “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, DA!”
Again with the nonexistent question marks, England’s thoughts groused. Really, and America butchered his language enough. But that was a rational thought. He wasn’t supposed to be having rational thoughts right now.
“Ah, never mind. Where do I sit?”
“IN THE BACK, DA!” The trailer door burst open. “HURRY UP, WE MUST BE GOING, DA!”
Well, England thought as he climbed in, greeting the Baltics and making a rude hand gesture at France, it certainly gave a whole new meaning to the idea of becoming one with Russia.
Lol why so awesome? For some reason, I think England drunken calm acceptance of the whole scenario the funniest thing I've read all day. Please write more!
AND SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL I'M GONNA BRUST FROM THE JOY ALL OVER RUSSIA'S HOOD ♥
I don't have words to do this justice. Just. PFFFFFFFF. I love you. And Russia's neverending stream of 'da's xDDDDDDDDDDDDDD that's totally the way I imagine France around his home, stark naked and sipping wineXD (and the fact he puts on the rose consciously not to alarm others with his beauty)
And the back door=anatomy partXD
(Really, France thought, if he was going to insert random Russian, he might as well just speak Russian! He could understand Russian.)
THANK YOU FOR THAT!! I don't know why the hell people think the nations "can barely speak" any language. They are immortal. Hell, even America, as young as he is, has had enough time to learn all languages in the world. But making France not know any European language is an idiocy only topped by the MUCH MORE FREQUENT AND ENDLESSLY STUPIDITY OF ENGLAND NOT KNOWING FRENCH. Ugh. So thank you for making fun of that <3
Credit goes to one of the anons that commented on the first part for the Transformers idea, though tit's not quite the same :)
France suddenly removed his hand from Estonia’s hip (it had started on his shoulder and had been steadily moving downward). “I have just thought of something.”
England glared at him. Honestly, he thought, why on Earth was France in his hallucination? “What?” he snapped.
“Russia travelled from Paris to London in little over five minutes. This should not be possible.”
This had to be the strangest hallucination ever, England marveled. France was actually being logical about something! He didn’t realize his mind could come up with something that crazy while high. Well, even if anything was possible in a hallucination, he might as well play along. England turned to the Baltics.
Lithuania shifted uncomfortably (though this may have been due more to France’s proximity). “It’s…a really silly reason, actually.”
England raised an eyebrow. “Oh, come now. Spit it out, won’t you?”
Latvia fidgeted. “Well…you know that movie A-America made everyone watch as his n-new plan to save the p-planet?”
France and England both thought back. England asked, “With the turtles?” at the same time France asked, “With the robots?”
“The robot one.”
France stuck his tongue out at England. England tried to punch him in the face but missed and ended up on the ground.
Estonia rolled his eyes at the pair of them. “Anyway, because of that, Russia’s convinced that he’s an ancient alien robot capable of teleportation.”
…
…
“WHAT.”
Lithuania shrugged. “I said it was a silly reason.”
“That makes no sense at all!” England sputtered.
France gestured wildly. “Just because he is convinced of something does not make it–”
“SHH!” France suddenly found three pairs of hands covering his mouth.
Latvia glanced toward the front of the trailer nervously. “D-don’t let him hear that!” he whispered.
“Why the bloody hell not?” England hissed.
“If he starts unbelieving it, it might not be true anymore,” Estonia explained.
“Exactly,” Lithuania whispered. “So imagine if he starts not believing that he’s a truck. Where does that leave us?”
England and France thought about this for a second. Then they promptly shuddered and vowed never to think about it again.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
The Badfic to End all Badfics
(Anonymous) 2010-08-16 06:26 am (UTC)(link)Like... The type people drive and stuff.
And a Soviet road trip. Satellite states can be included!
But in Soviet Russia truck drives you, amirite?
Make of this what you will anons...
BONUS if they're going off to Financially Gang-Bang America.
RAPETRUCK, DA! [1/?]
(Anonymous) 2010-09-14 03:41 am (UTC)(link)France hummed a tune as he walked into the living room stark naked, without even his magical censoring rose, and opened a bottle of fine wine. It wasn’t often that he got some peace and quiet all on his own to relax, after all.
Unfortunately, the peace and quiet was immediately shattered by a truck driving straight through the wall.
“SACRE BLEU!” he shrieked as he quickly summoned his censoring rose. It wouldn’t do to frighten whoever was driving. Even if they had just driven into his living room.
It was a large truck, with tires that were clearly built for icy roads or snow. The body was pale grey, almost white, and the body was a brown-beige. A familiar scarf was tied onto the hood ornament.
“…Russia?”
The horn honked loudly. “DA!” a much-deeper version of Russia’s voice boomed.
“…why are you a truck?”
“I AM A RAPETRUCK, DA!”
Funny, thought France, he’d always thought that adding “yes” to the ends of sentences like that made them questions. Maybe it was just a Russian thing.
“A…ah, ‘rapetruck’, did you say?”
“DA!”
France raised an eyebrow. The man – er, truck – couldn’t just say “yes” in a common tongue, could he? “Mm, I see! So, who are you raping?”
“I AM GOING TO AMERICA, DA!”
The other eyebrow rose. “America? But why America?”
“BECAUSE HE IS A SILLY CAPITALIST PIG, DA!”
“But you are no longer a communist.”
“NYET!” (Really, France thought, if he was going to insert random Russian, he might as well just speak Russian! He could understand Russian.) “BUT AMERICA IS STILL A SILLY CAPITALIST PIG, DA!”
France shook his head. “Well…if you must,” he sighed. “Might I come with you? I’ve not had the chance to visit America in some time.”
“OF COURSE, DA! MY BALTICS ARE ALREADY WITH ME! HOP ON, DA!” The trailer door burst open of its own accord. France tried very hard not to think about what the equivalent of this might be in human anatomy as he climbed in.
Re: RAPETRUCK, DA! [1/?]
(Anonymous) 2010-09-14 05:10 am (UTC)(link)Re: RAPETRUCK, DA! [1/?]
(Anonymous) 2010-09-14 05:11 am (UTC)(link)Re: RAPETRUCK, DA! [1/?]
(Anonymous) 2010-09-14 06:02 am (UTC)(link)Re: RAPETRUCK, DA! [1/?]
(Anonymous) 2010-09-14 06:36 am (UTC)(link)I really want an action figure or toy of this
NAO!
Re: RAPETRUCK, DA! [1/?]
(Anonymous) 2010-09-14 08:49 am (UTC)(link)Brilliant, that's what it is.
MOAR PLZ. /honks horn.
Re: RAPETRUCK, DA! [1/?]
(Anonymous) 2010-09-14 09:34 am (UTC)(link)Re: RAPETRUCK, DA! [1/?]
(Anonymous) 2010-09-14 11:26 am (UTC)(link)Ffffff, I absolutely love all of France's commentary. Just. It's like people think he doesn't know the words for yes and no.
In a more rational sense I know it's just a verbal tick, but it still bugs me sometimes.
Also: CAPSLOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL!
Re: RAPETRUCK, DA! [1/?]
(Anonymous) 2010-09-14 11:32 am (UTC)(link)C': Moar, please?
Re: RAPETRUCK, DA! [1/?]
(Anonymous) 2010-09-14 11:47 am (UTC)(link)You absolutely need to continue this! Please! :D
Re: RAPETRUCK, DA! [1/?]
(Anonymous) 2010-09-14 02:27 pm (UTC)(link)Re: RAPETRUCK, DA! [1/?]
(Anonymous) 2010-09-14 05:36 pm (UTC)(link)Russia: "GANGBANGERS, ROLL OUT, DA?"
writer!anon
(Anonymous) 2010-09-15 04:56 am (UTC)(link)...
Now I may or may not use this. If I do, you'll get credit :)
Re: RAPETRUCK, DA! [1/?]
(Anonymous) 2010-10-29 01:49 pm (UTC)(link)Also, absoluetly halirious fill authoranon dear.
OP here!!!!
(Anonymous) 2010-09-14 11:47 pm (UTC)(link)To be Belorussian about it... Let's get marriedmarriedmarried~~~ Yes? (Rather, da?)
Either way, continue this please!!! OP LOVES YOU!!!
writer!anon
(Anonymous) 2010-09-15 05:01 am (UTC)(link)I shall put you on the list of Internet proposals/firstborns/souls! Fear not, you'll be near the top for awesomeness :)
O.O More Please!
(Anonymous) 2010-09-15 02:21 am (UTC)(link)“NYET!” (Really, France thought, if he was going to insert random Russian, he might as well just speak Russian! He could understand Russian.) <--Now I really want to see France speaking Russian. haha, in general all of France's commentary was just too good. haha, his opinions regarding Russia's speaking habits are definitely similar to mine when I see it in other fics which makes it even more <3
RAPETRUCK, DA! [2/?]
(Anonymous) 2010-09-15 04:55 am (UTC)(link)Enlgnad decided that he was most likely drunk. Well, no, that couldn’t be right! It was only (here, he had to glance at the grandfather clock, the face of which had separated completely from the body. The hands were still pointing to the right places at any rate) two in the afternoon! He couldn’t possibly be this sloshed yet. Perhaps the fae had slipped hallucinogens in his tea again. Still, he thought as he eyed the scarfed hood ornament, it was certainly one of his more creative hallucinations.
“Hello, Russia,” he greeted calmly. “And might I ask why you are a truck?”
“I AM A RAPETRUCK, AND I AM GOING TO AMERICA, DA!”
England nodded. After all, hallucinogenically it made perfect sense. “Sounds lovely. Could you back out of my living room if you don’t mind? I’m having tea.”
“WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME WITH ME, DA!”
Hmm. It seemed that trucks didn’t have the ability to inflect questions as questions. Or maybe it was just a Russian thing.
“…why are you saying ‘yes’ at the end of every sentence?”
Russia looked confused. Well, as much as a truck could look confused. “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, DA!”
Again with the nonexistent question marks, England’s thoughts groused. Really, and America butchered his language enough. But that was a rational thought. He wasn’t supposed to be having rational thoughts right now.
“Ah, never mind. Where do I sit?”
“IN THE BACK, DA!” The trailer door burst open. “HURRY UP, WE MUST BE GOING, DA!”
Well, England thought as he climbed in, greeting the Baltics and making a rude hand gesture at France, it certainly gave a whole new meaning to the idea of becoming one with Russia.
Re: RAPETRUCK, DA! [2/?]
(Anonymous) 2010-09-15 05:16 am (UTC)(link)writer!anon
(Anonymous) 2010-09-15 05:20 am (UTC)(link)Don't worry, anon
(Anonymous) - 2010-09-15 05:22 (UTC) - ExpandRe: Don't worry, anon
(Anonymous) - 2010-09-15 07:29 (UTC) - ExpandRe: RAPETRUCK, DA! [2/?]
(Anonymous) 2010-09-15 05:34 am (UTC)(link)omg I love this and blame his trunkyness on the demon part of him!
OP Again~~
(Anonymous) 2010-09-15 06:40 am (UTC)(link)Though.. I must ask... Are you going to throw in the other Soviets? :D If not, it's totally cool, just curious~
I love the caps whenever Russia talks... xDD
writer!anon
(Anonymous) - 2010-09-15 07:24 (UTC) - ExpandACTUALLY THIS IS THE CRACK FILL TO END ALL CRACKFILLS
(Anonymous) 2010-09-15 12:30 pm (UTC)(link)I don't have words to do this justice. Just. PFFFFFFFF. I love you. And Russia's neverending stream of 'da's xDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
that's totally the way I imagine France around his home, stark naked and sipping wineXD(and the fact he puts on the rose consciously not to alarm otherswith his beauty)And the back door=anatomy partXD
(Really, France thought, if he was going to insert random Russian, he might as well just speak Russian! He could understand Russian.)
THANK YOU FOR THAT!! I don't know why the hell people think the nations "can barely speak" any language. They are immortal. Hell, even America, as young as he is, has had enough time to learn all languages in the world. But making France not know any European language is an idiocy only topped by the MUCH MORE FREQUENT AND ENDLESSLY STUPIDITY OF ENGLAND NOT KNOWING FRENCH. Ugh. So thank you for making fun of that <3
Re: ACTUALLY THIS IS THE CRACK FILL TO END ALL CRACKFILLS
(Anonymous) - 2010-09-15 12:49 (UTC) - ExpandRe: ACTUALLY THIS IS THE CRACK FILL TO END ALL CRACKFILLS
(Anonymous) - 2010-09-15 16:30 (UTC) - ExpandRe: ACTUALLY THIS IS THE CRACK FILL TO END ALL CRACKFILLS
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(Anonymous) - 2010-09-16 03:08 (UTC) - ExpandRe: ACTUALLY THIS IS THE CRACK FILL TO END ALL CRACKFILLS
(Anonymous) - 2010-09-16 05:04 (UTC) - ExpandRAPETRUCK, DA! [3/?]
(Anonymous) 2010-09-17 02:54 am (UTC)(link)Credit goes to one of the anons that commented on the first part for the Transformers idea, though tit's not quite the same :)
France suddenly removed his hand from Estonia’s hip (it had started on his shoulder and had been steadily moving downward). “I have just thought of something.”
England glared at him. Honestly, he thought, why on Earth was France in his hallucination? “What?” he snapped.
“Russia travelled from Paris to London in little over five minutes. This should not be possible.”
This had to be the strangest hallucination ever, England marveled. France was actually being logical about something! He didn’t realize his mind could come up with something that crazy while high. Well, even if anything was possible in a hallucination, he might as well play along. England turned to the Baltics.
Lithuania shifted uncomfortably (though this may have been due more to France’s proximity). “It’s…a really silly reason, actually.”
England raised an eyebrow. “Oh, come now. Spit it out, won’t you?”
Latvia fidgeted. “Well…you know that movie A-America made everyone watch as his n-new plan to save the p-planet?”
France and England both thought back. England asked, “With the turtles?” at the same time France asked, “With the robots?”
“The robot one.”
France stuck his tongue out at England. England tried to punch him in the face but missed and ended up on the ground.
Estonia rolled his eyes at the pair of them. “Anyway, because of that, Russia’s convinced that he’s an ancient alien robot capable of teleportation.”
…
…
“WHAT.”
Lithuania shrugged. “I said it was a silly reason.”
“That makes no sense at all!” England sputtered.
France gestured wildly. “Just because he is convinced of something does not make it–”
“SHH!” France suddenly found three pairs of hands covering his mouth.
Latvia glanced toward the front of the trailer nervously. “D-don’t let him hear that!” he whispered.
“Why the bloody hell not?” England hissed.
“If he starts unbelieving it, it might not be true anymore,” Estonia explained.
“Exactly,” Lithuania whispered. “So imagine if he starts not believing that he’s a truck. Where does that leave us?”
England and France thought about this for a second. Then they promptly shuddered and vowed never to think about it again.
random!anon here~
(Anonymous) - 2010-09-17 03:24 (UTC) - ExpandRe: RAPETRUCK, DA! [3/?]
(Anonymous) - 2010-09-17 03:26 (UTC) - Expandwriter!anon
(Anonymous) - 2010-09-18 17:52 (UTC) - ExpandOP
(Anonymous) - 2010-09-17 03:36 (UTC) - ExpandRe: RAPETRUCK, DA! [3/?]
(Anonymous) - 2010-09-17 04:56 (UTC) - ExpandRe: RAPETRUCK, DA! [3/?]
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(Anonymous) - 2010-09-20 06:32 (UTC) - ExpandRe: RAPETRUCK, DA! [4/?]
(Anonymous) - 2010-09-22 23:43 (UTC) - ExpandRe: RAPETRUCK, DA! [4/?]
(Anonymous) - 2010-10-29 14:01 (UTC) - Expand10,000th comment to Part 14!! \o/
(Anonymous) - 2010-12-04 06:20 (UTC) - Expand