He leans against the wall and stares at nothing. Behind the door next to him, he can still hear Arthur and Francis, Francis’s voice light and teasing, Arthur’s irritated and scowling - yes, Alfred can hear a scowl in England’s voice. Arthur scowls that well.
France is insinuating sly things, about him and Arthur and Kiku and Arthur and Russia and Arthur and goddamn, was the whole world on Arthur’s booty-call list. IS the whole world on Arthur’s booty-call list.
But Alfred knew about this though, kind of sort of in the back of his head, duh it’s in all the history books and all the treaties and this, this is why Alfred tries not to look too closely at the text-books, tries to let all the implications and all the statements and all the innuendo slide over his head and if that means everyone thinks he’s a moron with a skull so empty that there’s a whistling sound when the wind blows in one ear and out the other, well, so be it.
But he can’t very well ignore this now.
Wait, of course he can. He just has to not think about it. He just has to not-think about it very very hard.
***
England’s very good at diplomacy and tact and all the things that involve him using his mouth to get things he wants. Case in point: the subtle way he goes about hinting about maybe the two of them should see other people. Alfred admires that. If he wasn’t hypersensitive, waiting and watching from somewhere behind his eyes, peering at the world, at England, from a safe little space, he may not even have realized that’s what England means, might have thought the whole conversation really was about treaties and alliances and maintaining diplomatic relations with other countries.
But he knows and he says yes right away, cheerful, even complimenting England on his being so friendly - and no, not a trace of doublespeak in the compliment, not a bit of innuendo, just good ol Alfred sunny and friendly and smiling - because it’s better to have it over and done with than have Arthur resort to telling the truth, have to hear: “Because you are clumsy and inept in bed, because you don’t know how to please me, because you were too stupid and selfish to even notice how little I was enjoying myself, because now we don’t even have sex, because now you don’t even want to try,” in that beautiful crisp English accent that he’d loved, the words and more that he had overheard that day, heard again and again and again in his dreams.
He’s been waiting for this, really. Ever since he stopped being able to get it up for England, unable to focus on the nice feelings and the heat and the skin that had used to enrapture him, only able to think of that heat and skin shared with others, ever since he had it shoved in his face that he’d been right to worry (he’d been right, he had known, he had thought about the gap between him and England, the years and the Atlantic and the histories, and he should have known to go with his first instincts to run away, to back away, to not take the risk).
Ever since then he’s been waiting for England to turn around and walk away, the pattern from the early years but he’s older this time and he knows better than to cling to England’s shirt (he’d probably tear it) and beg for things that he couldn’t have, things England couldn’t give him, things he couldn’t give England.
So he says yes and England nods and that’s it, that’s the end of this - something he’d waited two hundred years (England on his knees and crying, America on his feet and the rain, the rain that’s part of America as the land is, England cries tears and America cries rain, that day) - four hundred (he’s always loved England since he first saw him, tiny him and tall England and now it’s all turned around and maybe that’s what’s wrong, England smaller than him and he shouldn’t be, Alfred still stuck as the little child in the grass when he’s supposed to be adult, supposed to be all grown up) - a thousand years for, (dreaming dreams of emerald green and sea-salt breeze before he knew how to wake up) - and he curls up and sleeps after drinking enough bourbon to kill the dreams.
Awww, don't cry. And please don't feel inadequate! This isn't even really what the OP wants and there's never too many fills, so please give your own take on it! I'd love to read that too.
I'm almost afraid to ask, but this is OP, and while this fill is intriguing, no OP ever has rejected multiple fills! So feel free to tackle it too, and please, don't be alarmed by me!
Wow, this is genuinely heart-breaking, and poor America is going to develop a serious complex now. T_T I'm looking forward to seeing more and getting a look at what's going on in England's head, too.
OP thinks this is beautiful, especially the ennumeration at the end, and America's feelings made her heart clench.
However I'm...not very into England's characterization here. As I understood, he went to other partners, he suggested they should seek other relations, and that's kinda the opposite of what I was going for; I wanted England to love America a lot, and get frustrated because he doesn't want to leave him, of course, he loves him, but the sex is boring as hell. In this way he looks like a dick and not really so much in love with Al, at least to me.
Another thing I wanted to comment is that America's thoughts about England's past lovers don't seem to be focused on the fact that England had more pleasurable sex with them, but just on the fact that they existed: England had lovers before him. And yeah, I can see America having a complex about that, but it's the only thing he seems to be worried about, here.
And he seems to have performance anxiety and be unable to get hard? That's, um, fascinating, actually, I'd love to see a request about that, it just wasn't my request; I wanted Al to be extremely into it and proficient, maybe even too enthusiastic and with little stamina, unable to hold on, to prolongue the experience, and just liking it another way than what England goes for. I didn't want him to be BAD in bed, maybe a little clumsy, unimaginative and inexperienced, but mostly boring. The core about the problem is that Alfred doesn't realise what's going on; for him, their sexual encounters are good, fantastic even, vanilla and sweet just how he likes it.
And the way he thinks about England...it either shows that he doesn't know him at all and there's no trust between them, or he's right, and England is a prick:
because it’s better to have it over and done with than have Arthur resort to telling the truth, have to hear: “Because you are clumsy and inept in bed, because you don’t know how to please me, because you were too stupid and selfish to even notice how little I was enjoying myself, because now we don’t even have sex, because now you don’t even want to try,”
This really are the thoughts of someone in love, about what they think their beloved thinks of them?
Also, and this may be anticipating too much, but won't we get what came before this knowledge? I mean, how their first time was before it came to this?
I'm sorry if I was too harsh, the story is actually excellent, the characterization sound, the writing engaging, and the things you bring up fascinating, just...it doesn't seem to adjust to my prompt at all ^^U
Hey OP! Glad you liked it. Well, we haven't seen England's side. Deliberately kept what America actually heard unspecified because he hasn't heard everything. England DIDN'T say what America imagines - not most of it, most of it's in his dreams (hence "and more" and "in his dreams" guess that wasn't clear) and America didn't hear the conversation before and after the bit he did hear. (of course he overheard the worst possible bit)
America is very much the unreliable narrator in this. What America thinks England is asking is not quite what England is asking. But
Well, I guess it was to be expected - this was a quick piece, snapped off in a sleepy burst. So it ain't exactly high literature. Didn't go into detail. Hah, I think your comment is about as long as the piece. Sorry!
That is true, we haven't read England's side yet. Please, don't take my review the bad way! I am very much interested in reading the rest and see what England's on about. I also didn't notice that you left what he heard (or thinks he heard) deliberately vague...seriously, please continue! For me and for all the people that left a review, this is actually very well-written, and what I criticised (probably too soon since we haven't seen the other side) was more the plot/content than the writing, which I actually liked very much
I think the OP has rather missed the point of the kink meme here. These are prompts, after all, not instructions for someone to write what you've ordered. The nature of a prompt is to inspire people, and to allow someone to put their own spin on things. If you want your story written exactly as you specify, then write it yourself.
I think you've shown an appalling rudeness, dressed up in flimsy attempts at concrit. You don't get England's characterisation? All we have seen is him through Alfred's eyes, which is going to distort it. At the moment, Alfred is hurting, projecting insecurities onto his lover. Of course he is going to suspect the worst.
because it’s better to have it over and done with than have Arthur resort telling the truth, have to hear: “Because you are clumsy and inept in bed because you don’t know how to please me, because you were too stupid selfish to even notice how little I was enjoying myself, because now we don’ even have sex, because now you don’t even want to try.
This is not the thoughts of someone in love and secure they are loved in return, you're right. This is someone who fears they might lose their lover priming themselves to hear the worst, because if you've already told yourself the ugly truth, it will hurt less to hear it from someone else. The author has constructed a scenario in which Alfred is genuinely hurting, instead of just a little put out that Arthur doesn't like his moves., and s/he has done so very well. While this is not, to the letter, what the OP asked for, it's still a fill written from this prompt and doesn't deserve to be critiqued on the basis that it's not what you envisioned when you made the prompt.
Well, maybe that's true, but also, when writers write they usually want to hear if the OP liked their fill...and I have the right, and probably the obligation, of delivering honest concrit. Maybe you're the kind of writer who prefers their reviewers delude them into thinking their writing/storybuilding is marvelous regardless of quality, but most writers are not like that, or at least that's my personal experience.
I think YOU showed an incredible rudeness and shocking presumption in assuming my motives and atittude. I took great care in being extremely polite in my review, actually praised the aspects I loved (writing, IC characterization) and delivered very respectful concrit on the rest. The main point of it, which you still seem to have missed, was that I found Alfred's hurting to be going against my prompt, since I wanted him to remain clueless. But as I told the authoranon, I really want to see the rest, and now realise I spoke too early about my impressions.
Maybe you should check the way you address others, since this is making me and possibly others, not want to leave thought-out sincere reviews and stick to "Yay so awesome please continue!", which isn't problematic and takes much less effort. The levels of butthurt around here are discouraging. Also, let me remark that the writer was much more polite and made me see the errors of my review much more than your rude comment did.
God, this is so damn good; I do hope you're continuing? Because I'm dying to know what happens, so I'll be heart-broken if this is really only a one-shot and I'm too dumb to figure it out. ._.
But yeah, you did a really good jump with disguising America as an unreliable narrator, and not over-emphasizing that America didn't hear the whole conversation. Very cool, anon. And GDI, America, that's a lot of bourbon. OTL
This anon thinks what writer!anon has written is MUCH much better than what OP is trying to say they requested. Please don't stop writer!anon, you saw a prompt that pretty much had something laid out beginning, middle, end, and made it deeper and surprising into an excellent piece of writing. It is this anon's feeling that all prompts are up for grabs to be written in whatever way a particular author imagines a story - so anon implores OP to be kind enough to let this fill stay on this thread.
Did you read my answer to authoranon's one? I am very much interested in this too. And I also ask authoranon to continue, for my sake and for your sake, all the reviewers that loved this. I wasn't implying this was badly-written or that I wanted it off the thread; I was just offering concrit. Apparently that is bad, and I shall try to refrain from offering it in the future and just write encouragement, since it alarms everyone so much!
But yes, again, authoranon, please continue this, since I'm also very intrigued to see it develop ^^
sorry OP, critique is fine, but it's more appropriate to critique the story on it's own merit and leave out the a longwinded pointing out of what was different from your prompt.
I gave praise to the story on it's own merit but criticised what I personally found less gripping. But I'll take note on this; since I didn't notice what I was doing, in danger of committing the same thing again, I will refrain to give critique, because I don't want to cause so much trouble ever again, I don't want to come off as annoying/ungrateful/rude and get yelled at, and I don't want OP to feel bad and stop writing.
Oh anon, I really love your story and characterization. I want to read more of this America, please, PLEASE continue this ;;
If you’re bothered that the op thinks this ‘doesn’t adjust to their prompt at all’ (pfff), maybe you can continue this as a part of the ‘Anything goes’ thread: http://hetalia-kink.livejournal.com/11411.html?thread=23682451#t23682451
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off-track (side a)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-23 04:44 pm (UTC)(link)France is insinuating sly things, about him and Arthur and Kiku and Arthur and Russia and Arthur and goddamn, was the whole world on Arthur’s booty-call list. IS the whole world on Arthur’s booty-call list.
But Alfred knew about this though, kind of sort of in the back of his head, duh it’s in all the history books and all the treaties and this, this is why Alfred tries not to look too closely at the text-books, tries to let all the implications and all the statements and all the innuendo slide over his head and if that means everyone thinks he’s a moron with a skull so empty that there’s a whistling sound when the wind blows in one ear and out the other, well, so be it.
But he can’t very well ignore this now.
Wait, of course he can. He just has to not think about it. He just has to not-think about it very very hard.
***
England’s very good at diplomacy and tact and all the things that involve him using his mouth to get things he wants. Case in point: the subtle way he goes about hinting about maybe the two of them should see other people. Alfred admires that. If he wasn’t hypersensitive, waiting and watching from somewhere behind his eyes, peering at the world, at England, from a safe little space, he may not even have realized that’s what England means, might have thought the whole conversation really was about treaties and alliances and maintaining diplomatic relations with other countries.
But he knows and he says yes right away, cheerful, even complimenting England on his being so friendly - and no, not a trace of doublespeak in the compliment, not a bit of innuendo, just good ol Alfred sunny and friendly and smiling - because it’s better to have it over and done with than have Arthur resort to telling the truth, have to hear: “Because you are clumsy and inept in bed, because you don’t know how to please me, because you were too stupid and selfish to even notice how little I was enjoying myself, because now we don’t even have sex, because now you don’t even want to try,” in that beautiful crisp English accent that he’d loved, the words and more that he had overheard that day, heard again and again and again in his dreams.
He’s been waiting for this, really. Ever since he stopped being able to get it up for England, unable to focus on the nice feelings and the heat and the skin that had used to enrapture him, only able to think of that heat and skin shared with others, ever since he had it shoved in his face that he’d been right to worry (he’d been right, he had known, he had thought about the gap between him and England, the years and the Atlantic and the histories, and he should have known to go with his first instincts to run away, to back away, to not take the risk).
Ever since then he’s been waiting for England to turn around and walk away, the pattern from the early years but he’s older this time and he knows better than to cling to England’s shirt (he’d probably tear it) and beg for things that he couldn’t have, things England couldn’t give him, things he couldn’t give England.
So he says yes and England nods and that’s it, that’s the end of this - something he’d waited two hundred years (England on his knees and crying, America on his feet and the rain, the rain that’s part of America as the land is, England cries tears and America cries rain, that day) - four hundred (he’s always loved England since he first saw him, tiny him and tall England and now it’s all turned around and maybe that’s what’s wrong, England smaller than him and he shouldn’t be, Alfred still stuck as the little child in the grass when he’s supposed to be adult, supposed to be all grown up) - a thousand years for, (dreaming dreams of emerald green and sea-salt breeze before he knew how to wake up) - and he curls up and sleeps after drinking enough bourbon to kill the dreams.
***
Re: off-track (side a)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-23 05:01 pm (UTC)(link)Re: off-track (side a)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-23 05:02 pm (UTC)(link)*wibbles incoherently*
*grabs Alfred and snuggles him*
Re: off-track (side a)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-23 07:39 pm (UTC)(link)This possible second filler feels all inadequate now D:
Re: off-track (side a)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-24 06:29 am (UTC)(link)Re: off-track (side a)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-24 06:54 am (UTC)(link)Re: off-track (side a)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-24 06:06 pm (UTC)(link)Re: off-track (side a)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-24 11:59 pm (UTC)(link)I'll try my best, OP, give me some time: college is being a bitch.
Re: off-track (side a)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-23 07:53 pm (UTC)(link)Re: off-track (side a)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-23 08:28 pm (UTC)(link)Re: off-track (side a)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-23 08:49 pm (UTC)(link)OP
(Anonymous) 2010-09-24 12:12 am (UTC)(link)However I'm...not very into England's characterization here. As I understood, he went to other partners, he suggested they should seek other relations, and that's kinda the opposite of what I was going for; I wanted England to love America a lot, and get frustrated because he doesn't want to leave him, of course, he loves him, but the sex is boring as hell. In this way he looks like a dick and not really so much in love with Al, at least to me.
Another thing I wanted to comment is that America's thoughts about England's past lovers don't seem to be focused on the fact that England had more pleasurable sex with them, but just on the fact that they existed: England had lovers before him. And yeah, I can see America having a complex about that, but it's the only thing he seems to be worried about, here.
And he seems to have performance anxiety and be unable to get hard? That's, um, fascinating, actually, I'd love to see a request about that, it just wasn't my request; I wanted Al to be extremely into it and proficient, maybe even too enthusiastic and with little stamina, unable to hold on, to prolongue the experience, and just liking it another way than what England goes for. I didn't want him to be BAD in bed, maybe a little clumsy, unimaginative and inexperienced, but mostly boring. The core about the problem is that Alfred doesn't realise what's going on; for him, their sexual encounters are good, fantastic even, vanilla and sweet just how he likes it.
And the way he thinks about England...it either shows that he doesn't know him at all and there's no trust between them, or he's right, and England is a prick:
because it’s better to have it over and done with than have Arthur resort to telling the truth, have to hear: “Because you are clumsy and inept in bed, because you don’t know how to please me, because you were too stupid and selfish to even notice how little I was enjoying myself, because now we don’t even have sex, because now you don’t even want to try,”
This really are the thoughts of someone in love, about what they think their beloved thinks of them?
Also, and this may be anticipating too much, but won't we get what came before this knowledge? I mean, how their first time was before it came to this?
I'm sorry if I was too harsh, the story is actually excellent, the characterization sound, the writing engaging, and the things you bring up fascinating, just...it doesn't seem to adjust to my prompt at all ^^U
writeranon
(Anonymous) 2010-09-24 01:03 am (UTC)(link)America is very much the unreliable narrator in this. What America thinks England is asking is not quite what England is asking. But
Well, I guess it was to be expected - this was a quick piece, snapped off in a sleepy burst. So it ain't exactly high literature. Didn't go into detail. Hah, I think your comment is about as long as the piece. Sorry!
OP
(Anonymous) 2010-09-24 01:44 pm (UTC)(link)A wild anon appears!
(Anonymous) 2010-09-24 07:31 am (UTC)(link)I think you've shown an appalling rudeness, dressed up in flimsy attempts at concrit. You don't get England's characterisation? All we have seen is him through Alfred's eyes, which is going to distort it. At the moment, Alfred is hurting, projecting insecurities onto his lover. Of course he is going to suspect the worst.
because it’s better to have it over and done with than have Arthur resort telling the truth, have to hear: “Because you are clumsy and inept in bed because you don’t know how to please me, because you were too stupid selfish to even notice how little I was enjoying myself, because now we don’ even have sex, because now you don’t even want to try.
This is not the thoughts of someone in love and secure they are loved in return, you're right. This is someone who fears they might lose their lover priming themselves to hear the worst, because if you've already told yourself the ugly truth, it will hurt less to hear it from someone else. The author has constructed a scenario in which Alfred is genuinely hurting, instead of just a little put out that Arthur doesn't like his moves., and s/he has done so very well. While this is not, to the letter, what the OP asked for, it's still a fill written from this prompt and doesn't deserve to be critiqued on the basis that it's not what you envisioned when you made the prompt.
Re: A wild anon appears!
(Anonymous) 2010-09-24 07:48 am (UTC)(link)OP
(Anonymous) 2010-09-24 01:53 pm (UTC)(link)I think YOU showed an incredible rudeness and shocking presumption in assuming my motives and atittude. I took great care in being extremely polite in my review, actually praised the aspects I loved (writing, IC characterization) and delivered very respectful concrit on the rest. The main point of it, which you still seem to have missed, was that I found Alfred's hurting to be going against my prompt, since I wanted him to remain clueless. But as I told the authoranon, I really want to see the rest, and now realise I spoke too early about my impressions.
Maybe you should check the way you address others, since this is making me and possibly others, not want to leave thought-out sincere reviews and stick to "Yay so awesome please continue!", which isn't problematic and takes much less effort. The levels of butthurt around here are discouraging. Also, let me remark that the writer was much more polite and made me see the errors of my review much more than your rude comment did.
Re: off-track (side a)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-24 03:35 am (UTC)(link)But yeah, you did a really good jump with disguising America as an unreliable narrator, and not over-emphasizing that America didn't hear the whole conversation. Very cool, anon. And GDI, America, that's a lot of bourbon. OTL
Re: off-track (side a)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-24 05:03 pm (UTC)(link)OP
(Anonymous) 2010-09-24 06:05 pm (UTC)(link)I wasn't implying this was badly-written or that I wanted it off the thread; I was just offering concrit. Apparently that is bad, and I shall try to refrain from offering it in the future and just write encouragement, since it alarms everyone so much!
But yes, again, authoranon, please continue this, since I'm also very intrigued to see it develop ^^
Re: OP
(Anonymous) 2010-09-24 06:42 pm (UTC)(link)Re: OP
(Anonymous) 2010-09-24 06:56 pm (UTC)(link)Re: off-track (side a)
(Anonymous) 2010-10-02 04:48 am (UTC)(link)If you’re bothered that the op thinks this ‘doesn’t adjust to their prompt at all’ (pfff), maybe you can continue this as a part of the ‘Anything goes’ thread: http://hetalia-kink.livejournal.com/11411.html?thread=23682451#t23682451