A/N: I apologize if this is utterly unfunny, but I couldn’t resist.
It was just an ordinary day for the spiders living in Germany’s house. At least, it started off as an ordinary day. As the spiders were to find out soon, this day would contribute greatly to their complete understanding of the object of their affections: The Germany. The spider scientific committee was holding a meeting in Germany’s bedroom closet while Germany was out. The subject of the day was a report by one of the spiders about a problem it had heard concerning Germany. Of course, this was a matter of utmost importance, as anything the spiders could do to relieve Germany’s pain was likely to make him love them more.
“Fellow spiders,” squeaked the spider who had the report. ”I was privy to some disturbing information yesterday while I was searching for food on the basement rafters. Germany’s brother, the one who lives down there, was telling someone on the phone about a stick that is stuck up Germany’s butt. This stick is obviously the reason why Germany is grumpy. We spiders have a duty to remove this stick and receive Germany’s grateful rewards. He might even stop buying spider extermination equipment!”
The other committee members all cheered for the reporter spider. This was a rare opportunity for the spiders to give back to Germany in exchange for all the things they had taken over the years. But how were they going to do it? “Skrrt skrtt, I have an idea!” one of the spiders said.
*****
“I can’t believe those spiders are back!” Germany grumbled as he got out of his car. “I thought I got rid of them last week, but there’s more than ever now. How did I get stuck with these things anyway? They’re not even normal spiders.” Germany opened his door only to be greeted with the infestation. All the spiders in the house had come out of the woodwork and gathered in the entryway. There were thousands – no, millions! As Germany stood there in shock, he heard a tiny voice squeak out “Get him!” And they all launched themselves at Germany.
Despite Germany being so much larger than even the biggest spider, he was quickly overwhelmed by their combined mass. Every time he managed to smack some off himself, twice as many would take their place. It was hopeless. They were on his head burrowing themselves in his hair, in his shirt rubbing over his muscles, in his pants – in his pants! Germany started trying to throw them off by wiggling around. “Shake that butt! Shake that butt!” the spiders shouted in their squeaky voices. So Germany stopped wiggling. He didn’t want to encourage them. Unfortunately, not shaking allowed the spiders in his pants to focus on things besides holding on. “Skrrt skrrt I’m going up Germany’s butt!” Germany had never regretted going commando more than in this moment.
The spider was squeezing itself through Germany’s anal canal, which was tighter than it thought. Where was the stick everyone claimed was up here?!? Well, if the spider hadn’t encountered the stick yet, that could only mean one thing – it hadn’t gone far enough yet. It must be a very deeply lodged stick.
Meanwhile, Germany was trying to expel the spider. He pushed and strained, but the spider would not come out. He couldn’t believe this was happening. Not only were a metric ton of spiders swarming all over him, but there was one crawling up his butt. And they seemed to have planned this too, considering how they were encouraging that one while keeping him from moving anywhere. Talking spiders were unnerving enough. Talking spiders that were also obsessed with him and his butt were downright disturbing.
Suddenly, a squeaky voice yelled “Alert! Alert! Germany’s brother at the door!” Within two seconds, all the spiders retreated into the walls of the house. All - except the one still making its slow way up his butt. Germany almost was tempted to feel relieved, but couldn’t bring himself to it. He was too disturbed.
Prussia opened the door to find Germany lying facedown on the floor. “Kesesese! What are you doing down there, West?”
Germany just groaned. “There’s a spider in my butt.”
“What was that, West? I thought you said there’s a spider in your ass! Isn’t that hilarious?!?”
“NO!” Germany was irritated. “It’s not funny! There really is a spider crawling up my ass. A bunch ambushed me when I came home, and one made it into my pants – “ Germany stopped short when Prussia began laughing even harder than before. “IT’S NOT FUNNY!!!” Germany roared. Not one to be deterred, Prussia just laughed more. Obviously he didn’t believe Germany, which was understandable. The situation was absurd after all. But Germany needed to get Prussia to believe. He needed Prussia’s help getting it out.
****
This whole time, the spider was courageously traveling into the unknown – Germany’s rear end. However, the stick was nowhere to be found. The spider was beginning to get discouraged. “Skrrt skrrt, how can I save Germany from the stick? If I get rid of the stick, I will be revered among other spiders. Germany will love us at last, and especially me. Skrrt skrtt, what happens if I don’t succeed at my task?” Then, the spider heard its fellow spiders sound the alarm and disappear. Now it was all alone. Well, if that was how it was going to be…. Uh oh. Germany’s brother was home. The one with the almost legendary cleaning skills. The spider remembered a story about how once Germany’s brother vacuumed up several spiders, and it feared getting the same treatment. Besides, wasn’t Germany’s brother the one always talking about the stick? Maybe there was no stick, and Germany’s brother lied!!! Yeah, the spider was so done with this. At least it got to experience the inside of Germany’s butt for its trouble. Totally worth it.
****
Germany was still arguing with Prussia about the spider. Prussia didn’t believe it and thought Germany was just trying to pull his leg. Germany was so angry – both at his brother and at the mutant spiders that started the whole problem. He took his pants off to show Prussia when the spider came out on its own. “Skrrt skrrt. You lie!” it squeaked. “There is no stick!” Then it skittered away into the wall to report its findings to the spider scientific committee.
Extended ending:
Prussia just stared at the spider as it said something to him and ran off. West really was telling the truth! Go figure. “Brother….” Prussia turned around only to see a very angry Germany. Prussia gulped. That spider didn’t say anything about him, did it? “So tell me about this stick the spiders were looking for.”
In the end, Prussia wasn’t allowed to use his cell phone for the following three months.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Skrrt Skrrt (1/2)
It was just an ordinary day for the spiders living in Germany’s house. At least, it started off as an ordinary day. As the spiders were to find out soon, this day would contribute greatly to their complete understanding of the object of their affections: The Germany. The spider scientific committee was holding a meeting in Germany’s bedroom closet while Germany was out. The subject of the day was a report by one of the spiders about a problem it had heard concerning Germany. Of course, this was a matter of utmost importance, as anything the spiders could do to relieve Germany’s pain was likely to make him love them more.
“Fellow spiders,” squeaked the spider who had the report. ”I was privy to some disturbing information yesterday while I was searching for food on the basement rafters. Germany’s brother, the one who lives down there, was telling someone on the phone about a stick that is stuck up Germany’s butt. This stick is obviously the reason why Germany is grumpy. We spiders have a duty to remove this stick and receive Germany’s grateful rewards. He might even stop buying spider extermination equipment!”
The other committee members all cheered for the reporter spider. This was a rare opportunity for the spiders to give back to Germany in exchange for all the things they had taken over the years. But how were they going to do it? “Skrrt skrtt, I have an idea!” one of the spiders said.
*****
“I can’t believe those spiders are back!” Germany grumbled as he got out of his car. “I thought I got rid of them last week, but there’s more than ever now. How did I get stuck with these things anyway? They’re not even normal spiders.” Germany opened his door only to be greeted with the infestation. All the spiders in the house had come out of the woodwork and gathered in the entryway. There were thousands – no, millions! As Germany stood there in shock, he heard a tiny voice squeak out “Get him!” And they all launched themselves at Germany.
Despite Germany being so much larger than even the biggest spider, he was quickly overwhelmed by their combined mass. Every time he managed to smack some off himself, twice as many would take their place. It was hopeless. They were on his head burrowing themselves in his hair, in his shirt rubbing over his muscles, in his pants – in his pants! Germany started trying to throw them off by wiggling around. “Shake that butt! Shake that butt!” the spiders shouted in their squeaky voices. So Germany stopped wiggling. He didn’t want to encourage them. Unfortunately, not shaking allowed the spiders in his pants to focus on things besides holding on. “Skrrt skrrt I’m going up Germany’s butt!” Germany had never regretted going commando more than in this moment.
The spider was squeezing itself through Germany’s anal canal, which was tighter than it thought. Where was the stick everyone claimed was up here?!? Well, if the spider hadn’t encountered the stick yet, that could only mean one thing – it hadn’t gone far enough yet. It must be a very deeply lodged stick.
Meanwhile, Germany was trying to expel the spider. He pushed and strained, but the spider would not come out. He couldn’t believe this was happening. Not only were a metric ton of spiders swarming all over him, but there was one crawling up his butt. And they seemed to have planned this too, considering how they were encouraging that one while keeping him from moving anywhere. Talking spiders were unnerving enough. Talking spiders that were also obsessed with him and his butt were downright disturbing.
Suddenly, a squeaky voice yelled “Alert! Alert! Germany’s brother at the door!” Within two seconds, all the spiders retreated into the walls of the house. All - except the one still making its slow way up his butt. Germany almost was tempted to feel relieved, but couldn’t bring himself to it. He was too disturbed.
Skrrt Skrrt (2/2)
Prussia opened the door to find Germany lying facedown on the floor. “Kesesese! What are you doing down there, West?”
Germany just groaned. “There’s a spider in my butt.”
“What was that, West? I thought you said there’s a spider in your ass! Isn’t that hilarious?!?”
“NO!” Germany was irritated. “It’s not funny! There really is a spider crawling up my ass. A bunch ambushed me when I came home, and one made it into my pants – “ Germany stopped short when Prussia began laughing even harder than before. “IT’S NOT FUNNY!!!” Germany roared. Not one to be deterred, Prussia just laughed more. Obviously he didn’t believe Germany, which was understandable. The situation was absurd after all. But Germany needed to get Prussia to believe. He needed Prussia’s help getting it out.
****
This whole time, the spider was courageously traveling into the unknown – Germany’s rear end. However, the stick was nowhere to be found. The spider was beginning to get discouraged. “Skrrt skrrt, how can I save Germany from the stick? If I get rid of the stick, I will be revered among other spiders. Germany will love us at last, and especially me. Skrrt skrtt, what happens if I don’t succeed at my task?” Then, the spider heard its fellow spiders sound the alarm and disappear. Now it was all alone. Well, if that was how it was going to be…. Uh oh. Germany’s brother was home. The one with the almost legendary cleaning skills. The spider remembered a story about how once Germany’s brother vacuumed up several spiders, and it feared getting the same treatment. Besides, wasn’t Germany’s brother the one always talking about the stick? Maybe there was no stick, and Germany’s brother lied!!! Yeah, the spider was so done with this. At least it got to experience the inside of Germany’s butt for its trouble. Totally worth it.
****
Germany was still arguing with Prussia about the spider. Prussia didn’t believe it and thought Germany was just trying to pull his leg. Germany was so angry – both at his brother and at the mutant spiders that started the whole problem. He took his pants off to show Prussia when the spider came out on its own. “Skrrt skrrt. You lie!” it squeaked. “There is no stick!” Then it skittered away into the wall to report its findings to the spider scientific committee.
Extended ending:
Prussia just stared at the spider as it said something to him and ran off. West really was telling the truth! Go figure. “Brother….” Prussia turned around only to see a very angry Germany. Prussia gulped. That spider didn’t say anything about him, did it? “So tell me about this stick the spiders were looking for.”
In the end, Prussia wasn’t allowed to use his cell phone for the following three months.
Re: Skrrt Skrrt (2/2)
(Anonymous) 2014-01-15 04:04 am (UTC)(link)good job!
Re: Skrrt Skrrt (2/2)
(Anonymous) 2014-01-15 04:18 am (UTC)(link)such a brave spider
such a brave author
medals for both of you
OP requester says danke
Re: Skrrt Skrrt (2/2)
(Anonymous) 2014-01-19 06:55 pm (UTC)(link)Re: Skrrt Skrrt (2/2)
(Anonymous) 2014-01-22 08:51 pm (UTC)(link)