"Why didn't you tell him you're a boy?" Michelle asked when they were out of earshot.
"He called me a girl?" Matthew said absently. Michelle rolled her eyes.
"Yes. Are you stoned? He totally did. I guess he had to go by your voice, though. My papa's blind," Michelle muttered.
"Oh. I'm sorry," Matthew said.
"You shouldn't be. You're not the one who threw acid in his eyes," Michelle said shortly. There was an awkward silence. "Shit. This is why I don't have friends."
"I didn't tell him I was a boy 'cause I'm not," Matthew said, simultaneous to Michelle's admission. They both raised their eyebrows in confusion, and stopped in the street.
I really liked this part. I like that Alfred is slowly coming around but it's a process and I loved your description of Matthew trying to figure out how much to tell him.
Oh and I'm delighted to meet Francis and I can't wait to see how Matthew and Michelle's relationship unfolds.
Oh wow, as much as Ilove this part for showing others starting to accept Matthew as Maddie, I can't help but wonder what happened with Francis to cause such a thing! I hope you explain it ;~;
Awww, I really like that last part! Especially the start of their friendship line, and awww at Michelle saying she didn't have friends~ All in all, I think this fic is brilliant. I really like the whole take you did with this. Also I really your Alfred, and I really like that even though he doesn't understand he keeps his brother's secret~ Yay for the new chapter, and please update soon!
Sorry, blind!France is a bit of a kink of mine -isshot-, and there's actually a conversation on loss and missing things that will make that part of him make sense in this context.
Matthew wondered why he had never thought to get a friend of the female persuasion before this time. Now it seemed glaringly obvious that such a friend was a benefit to him. For one thing, Michelle could get certain necessaries from the store without drawing unwanted attention to herself. Matthew could even accompany her, to a certain extent. If he showed too much interest in what she was buying, he would likely be labelled as gay. And he wasn't gay, he was straight. He didn't even want to think of how disappointing and confusing that might be to a guy who just wanted somebody to love.
Michelle knew what to do with make-up, knew how to hide his flaws with it in ways that the Internet hadn't been able to provide, and most of all she could talk to him as a girl. They had different ideas of what to do when they left high school, but Matthew could tell her in all confidence about the nuclear family in the little house he dreamed of, and she could listen with the sort of patience Matthew had hitherto only received from his brother, who didn't understand certain parts of what he was saying. Michelle got it almost immediately.
"You just want to be secure," she smiled. "Secure in your identity, and in everything. Papa's much the same now. That's why we moved here, so he could have a predictable life to live."
"What happened to your Dad?" Matthew asked curiously. Michelle sighed, and jiggled her knee anxiously.
"We don't really talk about it," she said simply, and brightened up. "Would you like some comfort food? I can make pancakes."
Matthew grinned from behind the purple pillow he had been squishing against his chest, and hopped up to join his friend.
"You're so cute!" Michelle smiled back, and ruffled Matthew's hair. "Have you ever tried pigtails?"
Matthew's nose wrinkled just slightly at this.
"Ew," he intoned. The dark girl crossed her arms and tapped her feet, and he had to explain himself further. "I don't have the right face for it. I'd look like a hooker."
There was a knock on the door, and Michelle just about skipped to the door to answer.
"Oh, hi Alfred!" she said in a mock-surprised tone. "What are you here for?"
"I'm here to ransom Maddie," Alfred said cheerfully. "Because I am screwed in about ten thousand ways for this English assignment."
"Well, if you didn't sleep through English class, then you wouldn't have that problem," Matthew said, poking Alfred on the forehead. His brother was getting good; he didn't even spare a confused glance at Matthew's powder-blue camisole and hip-hugging pyjama pants. Instead he rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.
"Take mercy on your stupid brother, Mad'leine?" he said pleadingly. Matthew pouted, and turned to Michelle.
"What do you think?" she asked teasingly. Michelle grinned a wide Charlie Brown grin and her eyes rolled to the heavens.
"I think we're making pancakes, and your puppydog brother will scratch on the door if we don't let him in sooner or later," she said. "My dad won't mind."
"Thanks, Michelle," Alfred said with a smile. "And pancakes! I definitely need to crash more girls' nights in, huh?"
"Get your ass in here before people see me," Matthew snapped. Alfred obeyed, just as Francis walked by to the kitchen.
"I heard someone say pancakes, Michelle, and if you think I'm letting you get close to the stove alone after what happened with the blender..." he started calmly. "Hello, Alfred."
"How do you know it's me?" Alfred said, overawed.
"Adorable, really," Francis said drily. "Michelle, help me with the batter. Alfred must be truly desperate to track down his sister here for school help."
"Maddie, how is it that Michelle's dad knows you're a girl before our dad knows?" Alfred asked in an undertone as they sat at the kitchen table with his English texts.
"I didn't tell him, if that's what you're saying," Matthew said, blushing to his ears. "He thought I was a girl right off the bat."
"It doesn't really matter how he knows, Madd. But Dad's still Dad, and sooner or later he's going to find out. He has to."
Matthew swallowed drily and nodded. He knew that he was only postponing that day when he would have to tell his father everything, but he still wasn't ready. What would Dad do?
"It won't be that bad, Maddie. If you could tell me, then you can tell him. It's not like he'll turn you out of the house, and even if he does, Michelle could take you in..."
"Could you shut up and concentrate on your homework? What is it you're having trouble with?" Matthew said sharply.
Alfred sighed, and dropped the subject. This talk would have to wait.
Lately though, he had noticed that while Dad wanted more and more to talk to Matthew, the more and more he was being shut out. this might have been unintentional; Matthew was obviously concerned with many other things and probably didn't know the effect it was taking on others. But at the same time it was hard to see Dad come home and casually state that Matthew must be next door again. It was hard to see Dad try not to be too hurt when it was just the two of them in the house.
Alfred wondered when Matthew would finally get around to telling Dad the truth about himself. it probably wouldn't be today, or next week, but when would it be? When Matthew was two provinces away and fully out to everyone else in the world? Alfred loved his Dad, probably even more than Matthew, and he couldn't stand keeping secrets from him, though he had promised his brother he would.
He listened to his brother explain Death of a Salesman to him for the third time that month, and resolved that he would get Matthew to tell Dad the truth later this week.
"I really fucking hate you," Matthew said very calmly to his brother. "I hope you're happy."
To say that Alfred had never felt so guilty in his entire life was a huge understatement. Matthew's eyes were rimmed with red and Alfred could sense that the only thing keeping his brother from snapping and throttling him was the giant bowl of M&Ms balanced on his lap.
Alfred couldn't say anything. 'Sorry' was stuck in his throat and he just wanted to disappear from Matthew's silent rage.
Needless to say, enlightening their father on the subject of Matthew's gender had not gone well. Alfred had been ill-prepared to break the news to Dad, and pretty much set Matthew up for failure. Dad simply did not listen to what Alfred said, and most of what Matthew managed to say between tears of frustration. In his mind's eye, Alfred could still see their father sitting at the head of the table, cup of tea in hand, completely immovable.
"Are you just going to sit there?" Matthew asked. "Aren't you going to say anything? I wasn't ready to tell Dad. He's not ready to know, and I'll be surprised if he ever is now. Why'd you do that to me?"
Alfred could feel tears burning his eyes, and tried to swallow the lump in his throat. He had never seen Matthew so upset before, and he couldn't believe that it was his fault.
"Do you know what it's like being in the wrong body?" Matthew finally burst out, as though he wanted to blot out Alfred's silence with his anger. "It's like trying to read a book in a language I don't understand. It's like peeling an orange and finding an apple. It's like..."
He broke off and stuffed a handful of M&Ms in his mouth, crunching in an almost comical way that didn't fadge with this situation. Alfred just stood there, vaguely aware that the doorframe was cutting into his back.
"It's like having a million pieces of a puzzle that don't match the picture on the box," he finally muttered. "And you know that some of the pieces will be missing even if you finish the puzzle as best as you can. That's what it's like, Alfred."
He was trying not to cry. Alfred could tell, even through the blurred vision that he had from his own failure not to do so.
"That's what I wanted to say to Dad," Matthew said. "He would have understood that. I've been trying to figure out how to make him understand for months. And now I won't get that chance. No matter what I tell him, he won't listen. He's like a wall know."
"I'm sorry," Alfred said quietly. His throat was so tight he doubted Matthew could hear him at all. But Matthew looked at him with dull violet eyes and said, "You've hurt so much of me."
He wasn't Madeleine right now, or at least he wasn't letting her out. She was locked in with the most horrible emotions, and for now Matthew was in full reign. That part that everyone could see, the part Alfred had seen for the longest time until he had gained Matthew's trust. Grey Matthew Kirkland instead of blue Madeleine.
Sobbing, Alfred slid down the doorframe. He let out all the grief that Matthew simply couldn't, and didn't notice as Matthew quietly closed the door and enclosed him in an apologetic hug.
Hi authornon, this is fantastic, and realistic, and I can only wish that my own family could have been even this communicative. There would have been a lot less pain. Congratulations Maddie and Alfred for talking about your feelings, even though you both fuck it up sometimes most of the time.
Arthur Kirkland had promised his wife on her deathbed that he would provide for their sons in every way they could.
"Dad?"
He had been 26, and Jenny would have been 24 by the summer's end. The next two months had seen Arthur grieving while trying to care for two babies. He had been given much-needed aid by his sympathetic aunt, but he knew that at some point he would have to care for his (their) children alone.
"Dad, I'm sorry."
He remembered how much Matthew looked like Jenny when he was little, how sombre and quiet he was in comparison to his rambunctious brother. Arthur always thought that Matthew knew he was missing a big part of his life; he'd only been mistaken when he thought that part was a mother.
"Please let me try to explain."
Again and again, he wished he could talk to Jenny, because speaking to her resentful sister over the phone was no replacement for the love of his life. But he wished he could ask Jenny about the children, what to do. He had been ready for children, but only with Jenny. God knows he did his best, and he was immoderately proud of his sons, but he knew someday he would be proven to have failed.
Matthew was watching him from across the table, his eyes shadowed as though he hadn't been sleeping and his hands clasped tightly together. He had a piece of toast in his hand, he must be just about ready to go to school.
"What do you want to explain, Matthew?" Arthur said with an oblivious smile. Matthew's shoulders slumped.
"Forget it," Matthew muttered, and pulled on his hoodie before stuffing his toast in his mouth. Arthur contemplated saying something to Matthew before he walked out, but didn't. He drank his tea, and then left for work.
Arthur remembered Jenny and the way she'd sing to her large belly and promise Arthur that the children wouldn't have his eyebrows. He remembered when they first met, on the steps of Oxford. She had been studying English Lit, and he Ancient Britons; it was love at first sight, even if she thought Beowulf was overrated.
He remembered the happy year they had lived together here in this very house before they decided to have children. How childishly sure Jenny was that she would have a boy and a girl, even when the ultrasounds were indicating two boys. She was beautiful when she was with child, like the sun and the moon all in one. She would sit in the overstuffed chair that she had to bring over from England for this exact reason and smile when Arthur brought her tea and told shooed the cat away from the upholstery. The chair was still in their living room, practically sacred to everyone who lived here.
He loved his sons, and of course he wanted to support Matthew through whatever phase this was. He wanted to understand, because he was desperate to keep Matthew close to him as long as he could. But he couldn't get his head around whatever it was Matthew was trying to tell him.
"What do I do, Jenny?" he asked softly. "What am I supposed to do?"
There was no answer, of course. He only ever heard Jenny in dreams, and only then in times of happiness and calm. Pouring the remainder of his tea down the sink, he wondered for yet another moment if he was cut out to be a parent and affirmed the realization that he definitely was not. He was forty-four, not getting any younger, and he had been masquerading as a good father for the last eighteen years.
Alfred was standing at the bottom of the stairs, wearing only a pair of ratty plaid pyjama bottoms. Arthur watched him disconnectedly as he took a carton of soya milk and drank straight from it.
"I'm going to be late at school today," Alfred said, wiping an off-white streak from his upper lip. "I've got football practice."
"You're on the team, then? Jolly good," Arthur said quietly. He wished that he didn't sound so disinterested. "Alfred..."
"Yeah?"
"How long has your brother been..."
He couldn't even finish the sentence. Part of his throat closed up and left him mute.
"Maddie's just as she's always been," Alfred said shortly. "And I'm sure she'd prefer it if you talked to her about it rather than me."
"But how long have you known about this without telling me?"
"It doesn't matter. I shouldn't have been the one to tell you in the first place," Alfred said, and turned to Arthur before going up the stairs. "She wants you to understand, not just to know. Talk to her."
He bounded upstairs to get dressed, and left without a word.
I think you express Arthur's confusion and fear really well in this chapter, I imagine what he is going through must be what a lot of parents with trans children go through in the beginning. I think Alfred is great here he's really starting to get it.
On a side note I'm dying for some FrUK in this story, I don't know if your planning on going there or not but it kind of makes me want to write fanfiction for this fic!
I really second everything the anon above said! This story is awesome and I love how you portray it from all different angles, too. I wonder if there will be FrUK? It would certainly be a turn of events.
Yay for the update! Aww, Arthur's memories of his wife I really love Alfred's response to Arthur's questions, and I <3 that he's really encouraging Arthur to talk to Maddie about everything. I'm really excited to see how the conversation goes,so I can't wait for the next part~
Matthew didn't get past the front porch of his own accord that day. One moment he was walking down the steps, ready to go to school, his Boyface on, and then the next moment he was clutching his knees to his chest and crying harder than he had ever allowed himself to as Matthew. He didn't know exactly when a warm hand stood him up and brought him next door, but next he knew he was sitting in the Bonnefoys's kitchen and Michelle was placing a big mug of hot chocolate in his hand.
"I don't care about the medical impossibilities, I swear you get PMS," Michelle said, attempting to be jocular even in the face of Matthew's abject misery. "You stay right here, okay? Don't even try to go to school when you're like this."
Matthew tried to say something, but all that came out was a quiet sort of sob.
"Yeah, I know. I could hear fighting last night."
Michelle brushed away Matthew's hair from his face with a sort of gentleness that came naturally to her, and smiled, laughing when Matthew grinned tremulously.
"We should go shopping tonight. You still need to get a pair of sensible shoes."
Matthew's smile faded, and he shook his head.
"Not tonight, Michelle. I just want to stay here," he said, voice hoarse from crying.
Matthew twisted his hair and then sipped his hot chocolate, just as Francis came in. He didn't have his cane, but he seemed to be just fine when it came to navigating the kitchen. He barely acknowledged his daughter as he passed, instead making a beeline for the coffeemaker.
Only when he had his cup of coffee in his hands did Francis finally say, "Hello Michelle, Madeleine. What are you girls doing out of school?"
"Maddie's distraught, Papa," Michelle said, as though that explained everything. "It wouldn't have been good for her to go to school when she's upset."
"That's all very well, cherie, but what are you still doing here?" Francis said with just a hint of a smile. "Go on, before you're late. I can take care of us both."
"Papaaa..." Michelle said, but with a roll of her eyes, collected her bag and started out. "Feel better soon, Madeleine."
There was a long silence as Francis savoured his coffee. Finally his head turned in Matthew's general direction.
"Why are you upset?" he asked, holding Matthew's hand in a searching sort of gesture. Matthew shuffered, and pulled his hand away.
"My brother told my father something about myself that I didn't want him to know," matthew said. "And I lost my temper."
"He told your father you are a girl," Francis said with a sad smile. "And you were not ready."
Matthew nodded, and hurriedly said 'yes' when he remembered that Francis couldn't see him. He didn't care how Francis knew about the intricacies of his condition. He just needed someone to talk to.
"What are you going to do?" Francis asked.
"I don't know. Maybe it's too much to be Madeleine, to change. I don't want to break my father's heart."
"You would do that for you family?"
Matthew sighed in miserable frustration.
"It's not like I can change anything, really," he said bitterly. "No matter what procedure I decide to undergo, no matter how much makeup I put on, I'll still be the same inside. I'll never have children or have a period. I'll never really be a woman, and when I think about it, all the physical measures I go to are vain and superficial."
"No, not at all," Francis said, and stood with the itnention to go back to his coffeemaker. "You may not believe me, but I know the importance of looking good so you can feel good. It's when one goes to religious lengths for good looks... Anyhow, I won't begrudge you a little makeup dear. You shouldn't either."
"Well, I look like a tranny hooker when put on makeup, anyhow," Matthew said darkly.
"What's that?"
"Nothing."
"Do you want crepes?"
Matthew smiled waveringly and said that crepes sounded heavenly. He didn't get the opportunity to watch Francis make them without the benefit of sight, but they were incredible even out of the fridge.
"Please talk to your father about this soon," Francis said. "It pains Michelle and I when you are upset."
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Walls (5b/?)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-21 02:22 am (UTC)(link)"Why didn't you tell him you're a boy?" Michelle asked when they were out of earshot.
"He called me a girl?" Matthew said absently. Michelle rolled her eyes.
"Yes. Are you stoned? He totally did. I guess he had to go by your voice, though. My papa's blind," Michelle muttered.
"Oh. I'm sorry," Matthew said.
"You shouldn't be. You're not the one who threw acid in his eyes," Michelle said shortly. There was an awkward silence. "Shit. This is why I don't have friends."
"I didn't tell him I was a boy 'cause I'm not," Matthew said, simultaneous to Michelle's admission. They both raised their eyebrows in confusion, and stopped in the street.
"Don't tell anyone," Matthew said lamely.
"Who would I tell?"
That was the start of a beautiful friendship.
Re: Walls (5b/?)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-21 03:18 am (UTC)(link)Oh and I'm delighted to meet Francis and I can't wait to see how Matthew and Michelle's relationship unfolds.
Re: Walls (5b/?)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-21 04:05 am (UTC)(link)Re: Walls (5b/?)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-21 07:27 am (UTC)(link)All in all, I think this fic is brilliant. I really like the whole take you did with this. Also I really your Alfred, and I really like that even though he doesn't understand he keeps his brother's secret~
Yay for the new chapter, and please update soon!
OP
(Anonymous) 2010-09-21 08:10 pm (UTC)(link)And shocked, in a good way, because she was not expecting to see France blind in this, but she really likes the way it was going.
Also, Seychelles being added into this is yay~ too.
Just...everything.
Re: OP
(Anonymous) 2010-09-22 01:14 am (UTC)(link)I'm glad I still have a happy OP. :D
Walls (6a/?)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-25 05:01 am (UTC)(link)Michelle knew what to do with make-up, knew how to hide his flaws with it in ways that the Internet hadn't been able to provide, and most of all she could talk to him as a girl. They had different ideas of what to do when they left high school, but Matthew could tell her in all confidence about the nuclear family in the little house he dreamed of, and she could listen with the sort of patience Matthew had hitherto only received from his brother, who didn't understand certain parts of what he was saying. Michelle got it almost immediately.
"You just want to be secure," she smiled. "Secure in your identity, and in everything. Papa's much the same now. That's why we moved here, so he could have a predictable life to live."
"What happened to your Dad?" Matthew asked curiously. Michelle sighed, and jiggled her knee anxiously.
"We don't really talk about it," she said simply, and brightened up. "Would you like some comfort food? I can make pancakes."
Matthew grinned from behind the purple pillow he had been squishing against his chest, and hopped up to join his friend.
"You're so cute!" Michelle smiled back, and ruffled Matthew's hair. "Have you ever tried pigtails?"
Matthew's nose wrinkled just slightly at this.
"Ew," he intoned. The dark girl crossed her arms and tapped her feet, and he had to explain himself further. "I don't have the right face for it. I'd look like a hooker."
There was a knock on the door, and Michelle just about skipped to the door to answer.
"Oh, hi Alfred!" she said in a mock-surprised tone. "What are you here for?"
"I'm here to ransom Maddie," Alfred said cheerfully. "Because I am screwed in about ten thousand ways for this English assignment."
"Well, if you didn't sleep through English class, then you wouldn't have that problem," Matthew said, poking Alfred on the forehead. His brother was getting good; he didn't even spare a confused glance at Matthew's powder-blue camisole and hip-hugging pyjama pants. Instead he rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.
"Take mercy on your stupid brother, Mad'leine?" he said pleadingly. Matthew pouted, and turned to Michelle.
"What do you think?" she asked teasingly. Michelle grinned a wide Charlie Brown grin and her eyes rolled to the heavens.
"I think we're making pancakes, and your puppydog brother will scratch on the door if we don't let him in sooner or later," she said. "My dad won't mind."
"Thanks, Michelle," Alfred said with a smile. "And pancakes! I definitely need to crash more girls' nights in, huh?"
"Get your ass in here before people see me," Matthew snapped. Alfred obeyed, just as Francis walked by to the kitchen.
"I heard someone say pancakes, Michelle, and if you think I'm letting you get close to the stove alone after what happened with the blender..." he started calmly. "Hello, Alfred."
"How do you know it's me?" Alfred said, overawed.
"Adorable, really," Francis said drily. "Michelle, help me with the batter. Alfred must be truly desperate to track down his sister here for school help."
"Yes Papa."
Walls (6b/?)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-25 05:10 am (UTC)(link)"Maddie, how is it that Michelle's dad knows you're a girl before our dad knows?" Alfred asked in an undertone as they sat at the kitchen table with his English texts.
"I didn't tell him, if that's what you're saying," Matthew said, blushing to his ears. "He thought I was a girl right off the bat."
"It doesn't really matter how he knows, Madd. But Dad's still Dad, and sooner or later he's going to find out. He has to."
Matthew swallowed drily and nodded. He knew that he was only postponing that day when he would have to tell his father everything, but he still wasn't ready. What would Dad do?
"It won't be that bad, Maddie. If you could tell me, then you can tell him. It's not like he'll turn you out of the house, and even if he does, Michelle could take you in..."
"Could you shut up and concentrate on your homework? What is it you're having trouble with?" Matthew said sharply.
Alfred sighed, and dropped the subject. This talk would have to wait.
Lately though, he had noticed that while Dad wanted more and more to talk to Matthew, the more and more he was being shut out. this might have been unintentional; Matthew was obviously concerned with many other things and probably didn't know the effect it was taking on others. But at the same time it was hard to see Dad come home and casually state that Matthew must be next door again. It was hard to see Dad try not to be too hurt when it was just the two of them in the house.
Alfred wondered when Matthew would finally get around to telling Dad the truth about himself. it probably wouldn't be today, or next week, but when would it be? When Matthew was two provinces away and fully out to everyone else in the world? Alfred loved his Dad, probably even more than Matthew, and he couldn't stand keeping secrets from him, though he had promised his brother he would.
He listened to his brother explain Death of a Salesman to him for the third time that month, and resolved that he would get Matthew to tell Dad the truth later this week.
Re: Walls (6b/?)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-25 10:38 am (UTC)(link)I have no idea what your intentions are as far as the plot goes but as I read I'm starting to really want a FrUK love affair side story to this.
OP
(Anonymous) 2010-09-26 01:28 am (UTC)(link)I'm glad that Mattie's getting friends though, even if it is pushing him away from Arthur (which could't be helped regardless).
Good job anon~
Walls (7/?)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-27 01:22 am (UTC)(link)To say that Alfred had never felt so guilty in his entire life was a huge understatement. Matthew's eyes were rimmed with red and Alfred could sense that the only thing keeping his brother from snapping and throttling him was the giant bowl of M&Ms balanced on his lap.
Alfred couldn't say anything. 'Sorry' was stuck in his throat and he just wanted to disappear from Matthew's silent rage.
Needless to say, enlightening their father on the subject of Matthew's gender had not gone well. Alfred had been ill-prepared to break the news to Dad, and pretty much set Matthew up for failure. Dad simply did not listen to what Alfred said, and most of what Matthew managed to say between tears of frustration. In his mind's eye, Alfred could still see their father sitting at the head of the table, cup of tea in hand, completely immovable.
"Are you just going to sit there?" Matthew asked. "Aren't you going to say anything? I wasn't ready to tell Dad. He's not ready to know, and I'll be surprised if he ever is now. Why'd you do that to me?"
Alfred could feel tears burning his eyes, and tried to swallow the lump in his throat. He had never seen Matthew so upset before, and he couldn't believe that it was his fault.
"Do you know what it's like being in the wrong body?" Matthew finally burst out, as though he wanted to blot out Alfred's silence with his anger. "It's like trying to read a book in a language I don't understand. It's like peeling an orange and finding an apple. It's like..."
He broke off and stuffed a handful of M&Ms in his mouth, crunching in an almost comical way that didn't fadge with this situation. Alfred just stood there, vaguely aware that the doorframe was cutting into his back.
"It's like having a million pieces of a puzzle that don't match the picture on the box," he finally muttered. "And you know that some of the pieces will be missing even if you finish the puzzle as best as you can. That's what it's like, Alfred."
He was trying not to cry. Alfred could tell, even through the blurred vision that he had from his own failure not to do so.
"That's what I wanted to say to Dad," Matthew said. "He would have understood that. I've been trying to figure out how to make him understand for months. And now I won't get that chance. No matter what I tell him, he won't listen. He's like a wall know."
"I'm sorry," Alfred said quietly. His throat was so tight he doubted Matthew could hear him at all. But Matthew looked at him with dull violet eyes and said, "You've hurt so much of me."
He wasn't Madeleine right now, or at least he wasn't letting her out. She was locked in with the most horrible emotions, and for now Matthew was in full reign. That part that everyone could see, the part Alfred had seen for the longest time until he had gained Matthew's trust. Grey Matthew Kirkland instead of blue Madeleine.
Sobbing, Alfred slid down the doorframe. He let out all the grief that Matthew simply couldn't, and didn't notice as Matthew quietly closed the door and enclosed him in an apologetic hug.
Re: Walls (7/?)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-27 02:34 am (UTC)(link)Its just...its so him. Or her, if you prefer.
Re: Walls (7/?)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-27 04:19 am (UTC)(link)*hugs them both*
Re: Walls (7/?)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-27 04:32 am (UTC)(link)sometimesmost of the time.Thank you for this <3
Re: Walls (7/?)
(Anonymous) 2010-09-27 09:25 pm (UTC)(link)I just want to give both of them a gigantic hug--those last two sentences were perfect. Absolutely perfect. Just perfectly broke my heart right there.
Looking forward to your fantastic updates!
OP
(Anonymous) 2010-10-02 04:48 pm (UTC)(link)DDDD:
Oh Al. Oh Maddie.
I want to hug both of them.
But I'm really curious about Arthur's take on all of this. Whether or not he's like "this is all rubbish" or worse.
Walls (8/?)
(Anonymous) 2010-10-05 03:10 am (UTC)(link)"Dad?"
He had been 26, and Jenny would have been 24 by the summer's end. The next two months had seen Arthur grieving while trying to care for two babies. He had been given much-needed aid by his sympathetic aunt, but he knew that at some point he would have to care for his (their) children alone.
"Dad, I'm sorry."
He remembered how much Matthew looked like Jenny when he was little, how sombre and quiet he was in comparison to his rambunctious brother. Arthur always thought that Matthew knew he was missing a big part of his life; he'd only been mistaken when he thought that part was a mother.
"Please let me try to explain."
Again and again, he wished he could talk to Jenny, because speaking to her resentful sister over the phone was no replacement for the love of his life. But he wished he could ask Jenny about the children, what to do. He had been ready for children, but only with Jenny. God knows he did his best, and he was immoderately proud of his sons, but he knew someday he would be proven to have failed.
Matthew was watching him from across the table, his eyes shadowed as though he hadn't been sleeping and his hands clasped tightly together. He had a piece of toast in his hand, he must be just about ready to go to school.
"What do you want to explain, Matthew?" Arthur said with an oblivious smile. Matthew's shoulders slumped.
"Forget it," Matthew muttered, and pulled on his hoodie before stuffing his toast in his mouth. Arthur contemplated saying something to Matthew before he walked out, but didn't. He drank his tea, and then left for work.
Arthur remembered Jenny and the way she'd sing to her large belly and promise Arthur that the children wouldn't have his eyebrows. He remembered when they first met, on the steps of Oxford. She had been studying English Lit, and he Ancient Britons; it was love at first sight, even if she thought Beowulf was overrated.
He remembered the happy year they had lived together here in this very house before they decided to have children. How childishly sure Jenny was that she would have a boy and a girl, even when the ultrasounds were indicating two boys. She was beautiful when she was with child, like the sun and the moon all in one. She would sit in the overstuffed chair that she had to bring over from England for this exact reason and smile when Arthur brought her tea and told shooed the cat away from the upholstery. The chair was still in their living room, practically sacred to everyone who lived here.
He loved his sons, and of course he wanted to support Matthew through whatever phase this was. He wanted to understand, because he was desperate to keep Matthew close to him as long as he could. But he couldn't get his head around whatever it was Matthew was trying to tell him.
"What do I do, Jenny?" he asked softly. "What am I supposed to do?"
There was no answer, of course. He only ever heard Jenny in dreams, and only then in times of happiness and calm. Pouring the remainder of his tea down the sink, he wondered for yet another moment if he was cut out to be a parent and affirmed the realization that he definitely was not. He was forty-four, not getting any younger, and he had been masquerading as a good father for the last eighteen years.
Walls (8b/?)
(Anonymous) 2010-10-05 03:12 am (UTC)(link)"Hey Dad."
Alfred was standing at the bottom of the stairs, wearing only a pair of ratty plaid pyjama bottoms. Arthur watched him disconnectedly as he took a carton of soya milk and drank straight from it.
"I'm going to be late at school today," Alfred said, wiping an off-white streak from his upper lip. "I've got football practice."
"You're on the team, then? Jolly good," Arthur said quietly. He wished that he didn't sound so disinterested. "Alfred..."
"Yeah?"
"How long has your brother been..."
He couldn't even finish the sentence. Part of his throat closed up and left him mute.
"Maddie's just as she's always been," Alfred said shortly. "And I'm sure she'd prefer it if you talked to her about it rather than me."
"But how long have you known about this without telling me?"
"It doesn't matter. I shouldn't have been the one to tell you in the first place," Alfred said, and turned to Arthur before going up the stairs. "She wants you to understand, not just to know. Talk to her."
He bounded upstairs to get dressed, and left without a word.
Re: Walls (8b/?)
(Anonymous) 2010-10-05 12:09 pm (UTC)(link)On a side note I'm dying for some FrUK in this story, I don't know if your planning on going there or not but it kind of makes me want to write fanfiction for this fic!
Author-Anon approves fanfiction
(Anonymous) 2010-10-05 07:25 pm (UTC)(link)Re: Author-Anon approves fanfiction
(Anonymous) 2010-10-10 06:18 pm (UTC)(link)Re: Walls (8b/?)
(Anonymous) 2010-10-05 05:44 pm (UTC)(link)Re: Walls (8b/?)
(Anonymous) 2010-10-06 07:05 pm (UTC)(link)Aww, Arthur's memories of his wife
I really love Alfred's response to Arthur's questions, and I <3 that he's really encouraging Arthur to talk to Maddie about everything.
I'm really excited to see how the conversation goes,so I can't wait for the next part~
Walls (9/?)
(Anonymous) 2010-10-11 02:17 am (UTC)(link)"I don't care about the medical impossibilities, I swear you get PMS," Michelle said, attempting to be jocular even in the face of Matthew's abject misery. "You stay right here, okay? Don't even try to go to school when you're like this."
Matthew tried to say something, but all that came out was a quiet sort of sob.
"Yeah, I know. I could hear fighting last night."
Michelle brushed away Matthew's hair from his face with a sort of gentleness that came naturally to her, and smiled, laughing when Matthew grinned tremulously.
"We should go shopping tonight. You still need to get a pair of sensible shoes."
Matthew's smile faded, and he shook his head.
"Not tonight, Michelle. I just want to stay here," he said, voice hoarse from crying.
Matthew twisted his hair and then sipped his hot chocolate, just as Francis came in. He didn't have his cane, but he seemed to be just fine when it came to navigating the kitchen. He barely acknowledged his daughter as he passed, instead making a beeline for the coffeemaker.
Only when he had his cup of coffee in his hands did Francis finally say, "Hello Michelle, Madeleine. What are you girls doing out of school?"
"Maddie's distraught, Papa," Michelle said, as though that explained everything. "It wouldn't have been good for her to go to school when she's upset."
"That's all very well, cherie, but what are you still doing here?" Francis said with just a hint of a smile. "Go on, before you're late. I can take care of us both."
"Papaaa..." Michelle said, but with a roll of her eyes, collected her bag and started out. "Feel better soon, Madeleine."
Walls (9/?)
(Anonymous) 2010-10-11 02:22 am (UTC)(link)"Why are you upset?" he asked, holding Matthew's hand in a searching sort of gesture. Matthew shuffered, and pulled his hand away.
"My brother told my father something about myself that I didn't want him to know," matthew said. "And I lost my temper."
"He told your father you are a girl," Francis said with a sad smile. "And you were not ready."
Matthew nodded, and hurriedly said 'yes' when he remembered that Francis couldn't see him. He didn't care how Francis knew about the intricacies of his condition. He just needed someone to talk to.
"What are you going to do?" Francis asked.
"I don't know. Maybe it's too much to be Madeleine, to change. I don't want to break my father's heart."
"You would do that for you family?"
Matthew sighed in miserable frustration.
"It's not like I can change anything, really," he said bitterly. "No matter what procedure I decide to undergo, no matter how much makeup I put on, I'll still be the same inside. I'll never have children or have a period. I'll never really be a woman, and when I think about it, all the physical measures I go to are vain and superficial."
"No, not at all," Francis said, and stood with the itnention to go back to his coffeemaker. "You may not believe me, but I know the importance of looking good so you can feel good. It's when one goes to religious lengths for good looks... Anyhow, I won't begrudge you a little makeup dear. You shouldn't either."
"Well, I look like a tranny hooker when put on makeup, anyhow," Matthew said darkly.
"What's that?"
"Nothing."
"Do you want crepes?"
Matthew smiled waveringly and said that crepes sounded heavenly. He didn't get the opportunity to watch Francis make them without the benefit of sight, but they were incredible even out of the fridge.
"Please talk to your father about this soon," Francis said. "It pains Michelle and I when you are upset."
"He won't listen to me."
"Then make him listen."
Re: Walls (9/?)
(Anonymous) - 2010-10-11 13:10 (UTC) - ExpandOP
(Anonymous) - 2010-10-11 21:54 (UTC) - ExpandRe: Walls (9/?)
(Anonymous) - 2010-10-12 16:00 (UTC) - ExpandRe: Walls (9/?)
(Anonymous) - 2010-10-13 01:21 (UTC) - ExpandLink to PPF4
(Anonymous) - 2011-03-20 22:45 (UTC) - Expand