Then I must offer apologies. Most universities are large, especially first year classes and therefore extremely impersonal so they operate very differently from high school (though my upper-years are composed of 20 students). Also, admittedly I found your writing quality to be perhaps that of a high school level, especially due to the erroneous quotations and the choice of "Tell Tale Heart" (a common High school reading).
Don't know how you came to the conclusion that not using commas with quotations is acceptable. I have never seen: / "Hello." He said. / EVER in a novel. Read "Elements of Style" by Strunk and you'll see what I mean. Yes, there are cases when commas aren't used, but that's when the action doesn't directly relate to the dialogue being said:
"Use commas when saying words like said and spoke and mumbled," she asserted. (Yes, asserted relates to the dialogue being said. Note that "She asserted." is not a full sentence on its own because immediately the question WHAT did she assert? comes.)
"But if the action doesn't relate then a comma isn't needed." After saying this, she could only hope the author might study up on the proper usages without being stubborn.
Also, for constructive criticism since you seem willing to improve, which is why I even bothered to write the review, as I know that you aren't writing for for money (which must come to a surprise to that anon that stepped in who felt the need to point it out to me):
Best things I find are to have foreshadowing so the story seems well-planned and tied together, throw in some literary devices, use strong verbs over common ones... and I think your writing could stand to be more descriptive. The most important, though, is putting the voice of the character in the narration usually separates a story from all the mediocre. So my introduction that I wrote about Germany in my first review contained is a decent example. Rather than just stating "Germany was worried whether or not he got the wrong classroom" you could have described his meticulous preparations because he's like that and his observation that such a worry was irrational. People may all think "oh shit I am going to be late" at points in their life but they all express that sentiment differently.
Also, you could have had Germany think about the university a little which would have cleared up some details like: "It was a very small university that built its reputation on its tight-knit community. He had practical reasons to go there: it was close to home, near the capital city, but in the end he chose to go there because he preferred to be treated as someone more than a number, someone to be talked with as opposed to lectured at. Of course, the intimate quality of the university added to his stress on the first day of classes where if he did anything foolish he could be sure to leave negative lasting impressions." And then add what I wrote earlier about his printing the map and checking the syllabus and it's all nice and flow-y.
Hell, you could have cleared the Samantha issue up by having described her a bit: "Are you waiting for English 101?" the girl asked. She had brown hair tied in pigtails and despite her question her mischievous bright eyes did not appear to be nervous in the slightest. Ludwig immediately felt she must have a rambunctious personality... a personality type he wasn't good at handling.
Hope this all helps. Won't be bothering you anymore on further chapters so don't worry 'bout lil old me anymore.
Re: A Major in English is the finest Degree [9/?]
Don't know how you came to the conclusion that not using commas with quotations is acceptable. I have never seen: / "Hello." He said. / EVER in a novel. Read "Elements of Style" by Strunk and you'll see what I mean. Yes, there are cases when commas aren't used, but that's when the action doesn't directly relate to the dialogue being said:
"Use commas when saying words like said and spoke and mumbled," she asserted. (Yes, asserted relates to the dialogue being said. Note that "She asserted." is not a full sentence on its own because immediately the question WHAT did she assert? comes.)
"But if the action doesn't relate then a comma isn't needed." After saying this, she could only hope the author might study up on the proper usages without being stubborn.
Also, for constructive criticism since you seem willing to improve, which is why I even bothered to write the review, as I know that you aren't writing for for money (which must come to a surprise to that anon that stepped in who felt the need to point it out to me):
Best things I find are to have foreshadowing so the story seems well-planned and tied together, throw in some literary devices, use strong verbs over common ones... and I think your writing could stand to be more descriptive. The most important, though, is putting the voice of the character in the narration usually separates a story from all the mediocre. So my introduction that I wrote about Germany in my first review contained is a decent example. Rather than just stating "Germany was worried whether or not he got the wrong classroom" you could have described his meticulous preparations because he's like that and his observation that such a worry was irrational. People may all think "oh shit I am going to be late" at points in their life but they all express that sentiment differently.
Also, you could have had Germany think about the university a little which would have cleared up some details like: "It was a very small university that built its reputation on its tight-knit community. He had practical reasons to go there: it was close to home, near the capital city, but in the end he chose to go there because he preferred to be treated as someone more than a number, someone to be talked with as opposed to lectured at. Of course, the intimate quality of the university added to his stress on the first day of classes where if he did anything foolish he could be sure to leave negative lasting impressions." And then add what I wrote earlier about his printing the map and checking the syllabus and it's all nice and flow-y.
Hell, you could have cleared the Samantha issue up by having described her a bit: "Are you waiting for English 101?" the girl asked. She had brown hair tied in pigtails and despite her question her mischievous bright eyes did not appear to be nervous in the slightest. Ludwig immediately felt she must have a rambunctious personality... a personality type he wasn't good at handling.
Hope this all helps. Won't be bothering you anymore on further chapters so don't worry 'bout lil old me anymore.